Oh, you're a Mini Storage Manager?

"IS IT JUST LIKE STORAGE WARS?"

I've lost count on how many times I've been asked this question in recent years. I just came back from a Christmas Party where I had to repeat the same answer six times to six different people in three different rooms, and then repeat the same litany of answers to the same litany of questions asked over and over, again.  To be honest, I love my job. I never thought I would say that, but self-storage is something I know in and out and is something I deeply enjoy. I love doing my job, I love interacting with most of my tenants, and, yes, I love answering the same questions over and over again. Yeah, my wife thinks I'm weird, too.

However, is it just like Storage Wars? My knee-jerk reaction is to shout "NO!" off the highest mountaintop, but, after giving it some thought, it’s both NO! and yes.

Self-Storage Lien Sale Auction

Storage Wars, and their slew of spin-offs, bring a good bit of color to self-storage auctions, or Lien Sales as they’re more properly (and legally) known as. They have these Lamponish individuals go to these various auctions and find extraordinary items for reasonable prices (or “huge losses”).  To be fair, this is show biz and people are having fun watching these shows, but, it creates unrealistic expectations when people go to real auctions.

It may be different in self-storage facilities in big urban areas, but I will put a disclaimer that I am biased in this regard, but this my confessional, so I make the rules. It’s best to explain in bullet points.

• Locks are usually cut BEFORE an auction.

Wait, that can’t be right. There must be a law stating that a storage facility cannot cut a lock off before an auction! Those GREEDY owners MUST st

eal all the GOOD stuff and sell the JUNK at the auctions! RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

The first auction that I was in charge of had plenty of people accusing me of this, and how dare I have the audacity to do so! I was so confused that I asked them, “Where did you hear that I have to wait until the auction to cut the locks off?” To which they responded “Storage Wars,” you cheeky bugger!

Aftermath of Grinding a Disc Lock

I have a few things to say about this issue. First, has anyone here cut off a disc lock? It takes 5-10 minutes to grind it off with a generator and a grind-wheel. Multiply that by 15 units and a normally fast auction turns into a nightmare of people waiting on THAT GUY (usually me) to hurry the hell up. It just makes things simpler and faster to cut them off ahead of time.

Second, our “image” is at stake. What if we opened a unit at auction to find a meth lab, child pornography, or human remains in front of all those bidders? We would forever be known as “oh, THAT storage facility.” You think I’m joking? Check this out.

Third, some facilities go into a unit and dress it up. I personally hate this practice and I adamantly enforce a “no touching the unit” policy, but I know of several facilities that do this. From the bidders’ perspective, it is sacrilege to the highest order and it takes all the fun/mystery out of the unit. I happen agree with them. I want my bidders to come back bright-eyed and bushytailed every time we have an auction and to have a good time. Now flip the coin and see the owner’s side. You just got jipped out of $400 rent and all they left you with is a shabby looking unit not worth $20 at auction. However, if you just go through the unit and find an autographed baseball here, a dusty wooden chest there, and an old looking safe in the back under some bags;  place those strategically around the unit, that $20 unit just jumped to $200+. Instead of losing $380, you just lost $200. It sounds like a pyric victory, but almost all rural storage facilities take a loss on every unit, so it softens the blow. The trick is to get a delinquent unit up for auction as soon as possible, but that’s for another time.

Finally, to my knowledge, no one has said this on Storage Wars. The deed has just been shown on TV so many times that it becomes an expectation. I've heard of larger facilities cutting locks as they go along in the auction, but I believe it is either just for show, they are ninjas at cutting locks, and/or have a lot of time on their hands. Personally, I believe they are ninjas, but that is my opinion.

• You’re better off buying a scratch-off ticket than finding a Lost Treasure in a trash bag

"Seriously, you’re going on a treasure hunt?"
My Wife Sporting "That Look"

Yeah, we all have heard those stories, but it isn’t as glamorous as Storage Wars. Yet, they manage to get it quasi-right every once in a while.

Most of my bidders are usually the owners of thrift stores, this-n-that shops, and a group of resellers; just like the people from storage wars. Just as in Storage Wars, their bread and butter is usually beat-up furniture, garbage bags of clothes, old books, etc, but there usually isn’t buried treasure under all those bags, sorry to tell you. There was even a lawsuit about it back in 2012.

Sure, there was a time we had a Thunderbird convertible in a unit, but that is a fluke of nature on most days that end in Y.

• Every Show Has its “YUUUP” 

Those… umm… unique “individuals” you see on TV are an outlier as compared to our common bidders. Most people are there to get new stock for their warehouses. Others are there because it’s a social phenomenon that they saw on TV and wanted to experience it for themselves. Then there are the excited individuals that shout with glee “Sure, I’ll sign up to bid on something!” but what they actually meant was “I just wanted to see what was for sale and buy it from individuals later.” The rest are pretty much nosey parkers.

Dave Hester From Storage Wars

However, as every graph has an outlier, every machine has a quirk, and every show has it’s “YUUUP!”, there are those precious few that make an auction golden in a sadistic way. My outlier is a man of many words and likes to talk up the auction. He is also the guy that accidentally caused a school lockdown by shooting squirrels out of trees with a shotgun in his own yard, but more on that at eleven. (BTW, shooting squirrels is legal in my state as long as you follow the rules, and, I guess, don’t live by a school.)

This guy likes the auction and uses it as a social venue. He loves being the center of attention and the class clown. He is also banned from future auctions. Not because he is an outlier or caused a school shutdown, but because he refused to pay a mandatory, refundable cleaning deposit fee of $15. Even though it was on several signs, it announced before and after the auction, etc, he claimed he didn’t know about it and refused to pay it. I was left to either caving in to the guy or send him on his way. After a standoff, it was decided to send him on his merry way/banning him from future auctions. Some people are like that, I guess. He still shows up, but he’s no longer able to bid.

There aren’t that many outliers at real auction as in Storage Wars, but real life isn’t as bad a reality TV show… most of the time. This leads me to my final bullet point…

• Lord knows if I hear another group of individuals yell “YUUUP” near me, I’ll snap.

To be fair, Storage Wars does give their viewing audience a gist of what an auction is like (I’m being very kind on the word “gist”), nonetheless, like most Reality TV, it pushes the odd and wacky to the nth degree. The number 1 thing I hate about Storage Wars is the iconic “YUUUP," and its not really their fault. Its use is quite comical on the show, and it is a classic trademark, but it only takes a few bad apples to ruin a barrel (and I just so happen to have a couple of rotten barrels. Let me explain.  A group of girls known to me yell “YUUUP” with GUSTO across the room whenever they get tipsy. This annoyance has happened more than once, and has cranked up in intensity and frequency with the popularity of the show. Hell, they might even do it because I’m around, but I severely doubt it. It is frighteningly weird how people emulate this phrase and even more annoying how much it is used. That’s reality TV for ya.

With its rise in popularity in recent years, Storage Wars has created a cultural phenomenon and a boon for Self-Storage facilities. You hear a lot of bellyaching from Self-Storage managers like me, but it has really increased turn-out in auctions and our bottom line. Regardless, to give Storage Wars a slight nod of approval is still a bit much for me, so I’ll just stick with a wave of acknowledgement. It gives people a false sense to the logistics and realities of auctions. Yes, we cut off locks before an auction. No, there usually isn’t one-of-a-kind buried treasure. Yes, there are Lamponish individuals at auction sometimes. But is it truly just like Storage Wars? Not really.